Light streams in from the boarded-up window. Dust floats like saddened glitter. Invisible in the shadows. It falls to the concrete floor. Taking its place among the debris of things that have long been broken.

This is my home.

Within the debris is a lumpy, grey blanket. You will find me underneath it. My once blue eyes now match the grey that has become the only hue I can see. There is no black. No white. Only shades of grey. My eyes are directed at the far wall. A ragged wardrobe of wallpaper attempts to conceal the molding structure beneath it. The wallpaper serves as a hideous mask worn by someone with a flesh-eating disease.

I am not looking at the it or the molding structure behind. My eyes have no focus, as if I've become partially blind. I suppose if I could see through that rotten wall, my eyes would be focused on the majestic trees beyond it, and their gentle movements in the wind. Perhaps a bird would hop into the frame of my focus and entertain me for a time.

(It might stare back at me. Through the windowless and rotten wall, through the mask of wallpaper, through the dusty haze of glitter that has no sparkle, through the debris of brokenness, and underneath the blanket of gray that covers me.)

But I cannot see through walls and neither can a bird.
All I see is grey. All I see is a mask. All I see is glitter that doesn't shine.

tags: creative writing, free write

An empty canvas
Frightens me
Hello dear friend,
Anxiety

I wish i could remember
Every minute of when i was with you
Replay every second
A perfect film of smiling faces
And places we've been

I don't remember everything
But i wish i could
Just replay it and replay it

Those days are gone forever
That summer season faded
And now with the coming of spring
I am not awakened from this wintry dream

A dream of you holding me under a tree
Doing nothing
Just happy to be

Those strong arms
Your always dirty hands
Tickle fights
That tattoo on your back

All i have are snapshots
But i wish i could remember it all

Kissing outside your house in downpouring rain
Cigarettes in hand
Fizzling out without a care

You coming home from work
New year's Eve
Picking me up and spinning me in the kitchen
Sweet, sweet bliss

All i have are snapshots
But i wish i could remember it all

All those nights we wished on shooting stars
When the clock said 11:11
Wishing you were here
Soundtrack of our love playing sweet melodies

i feel separated from the world
in my own little bubble
i created it
don't want to break free
but at the same time i know i need to
eventually
right now i feel safe
nothing can hurt me here
just the things i've brought in
like you
you might hurt me
i might hurt you
yes, i'll probably hurt you
and i'll have to break free from this bubble
just to get away
i won't be in my own world anymore
i'll be vulnerable
maybe i'll learn
maybe not
who knows what might happen
it's useless to try and control the future
no matter how hard i try
i have no control
not even over my own bubble
i created this world
and yet i have no control over it.
fuck my life.

Simple Pleasures


jet streams over the sunset
wishing to the stars
the last cigarette
gentle rain on a warm spring day
seeing an eagle soar overhead
rainbows
laying in the grass, watching clouds pass
finding a new favorite
walking on a moonlit path
dipping feet in the water
unexpected waterfalls
exploring

i miss those days when everything seemed to actually matter.

i'd rather be miserable and cry every night than emotionless.

missing people sucks.

i feel like my life is at a stand-still and going nowhere.

people suck.

i'm running on empty and stuck in neutral.

i need somebody (not just anybody) so i can get over him.

it seems everything is nothing more than a pathetic cliche.

even that sentence.

i already am miserable. but at the same time, i'm emotionless.

i'm in a state of numb despair.

no one seems to truly care about me anymore. it seems like they're just tolerating my existence. waiting for me to crack. i don't know what to do. i don't know where all of this is going. i can't deal with this anymore. something needs to change. i need an escape. life has become too mundane. too ordinary. every day blends into the next. even when something new happens, it all feels old. i'm going through the motions of living a life, but not actually living it. i feel like i'm in a haze, and the only way to get out is to escape. escape to what, i don't know exactly. just escape. my life is hindered by repute. hindered by consequence. hindered by apathy.

i'm so closed off. i don't know if i'll ever be able to fall in love. again. was i in love before? i don't know. what i do know is that whatever i was giving, if not love then something else, wasn't enough. i keep asking myself, "did i love him?" I think i did once. Some point along the way, i fell in love. And at some other point not far from that, i fell out of it. I think i'm afraid of love. I'm afraid of putting myself out there. When guys have an interest in me, i don't handle it well. i avoid them after that. which is a tragedy since some are good friends to begin with.

i need a boyfriend. desperately. i need a boyfriend so i don't have to keep turning down guys i have no interest in. i need a boyfriend so my best friend doesn't think i want to date her crush. i need a boyfriend so my ex-best friend can be one of my best friends again. i need a boyfriend, so i can go back to being friends with my guy-friends. i need a boyfriend so i can get over my ex-lover. i need a boyfriend to hold my hand. to hug. to kiss. to potentially love.
and i need to break his heart. so that he can't break mine.

State​ 8 friends and answer the quest​ions

1. Geoff

2. Becky

3. Nick

4. Andrew
​
5. Jim

6. Kami

7. Jamie

8. Jordan



1. Is numbe​r 6 your best frien​d?​
she used to be, and she's still there for me and i'm there for her if she needs me.

2. Are you in love with numbe​r 2?
she's pretty great

3.Have you ever lied to numbe​r 4?
hah. i think i told him i liked Phish once. before i actually liked Phish.

4. Do you know a secre​t about​ numbe​r 7?
yea.

5. Descr​ibe the relat​ionsh​ip betwe​en numbe​r 8 and numbe​r 5.
They've met.


6. What is the best thing​ about​ numbe​r 3?
he's a nice guy and is easy to talk to.

7. What is the worst​ thing​ about​ numbe​r 1?
he lives in Seattle.

8. When was the last time you saw numbe​r 5?
about 3 hours ago

9. Descr​ibe the relat​ionsh​ip betwe​en numbe​r 1 and numbe​r 3?
they don't know each other.

10. Have you ever dance​d with numbe​r 7?
hah, yes.


11. How long have you known​ numbe​r 4?
7th grade

12. Have numbe​r 2 and numbe​r 7 ever dated​?​
hah, no

13. Have you ever done drugs​ with numbe​r 1?
no


14. Have you ever been in a fight​ with numbe​r 8?
you could say that.


16. Does numbe​r 6 have a boyfr​iend/​girlf​riend​?​
yes. he's pretty cool.


17. Have you ever been a co-​worke​r with numbe​r 3?
no

18. Have you ever wante​d to punch​ numbe​r 2 in the face?​
hah. no, but she does get on my nerves sometimes

19. Has numbe​r 1 ever met your mothe​r?​
yes.


21. How did you meet numbe​r 6?
i believe Katie introduced us?


22.Did you ever accid​ental​ly physi​cally​ hurt numbe​r 5?
hah, yea, but he never showed any signs of pain.


24. Has numbe​r 2 ever seen you naked​?​
no


25.What is the best memor​y you have with numbe​r 1?
the week we spent together.



26. What is one of numbe​r 4's best quali​ties?​
he's my hippie buddy.


27. Do you live close​ to 7?
about 20 miles?

28. What is numbe​r 2's favor​ite food?​
chinese, maybe?


29. Out of your top 8, which​ one would​ you say is the funni​est?​
hm, probably Nick

30. Who is the most flirt​atiou​s?​
Jamie and Jordan probably


31. What do you think​ of numbe​r 3?
He's a really good friend. i don't know what i'd do without him.


32. How long have you known​ numbe​r 5 for?
ages.


33. Which​ one of your top 8 frien​ds drink​s the most or goes out?
Jordan.

34. Which​ one of your top 8 frien​ds is the best dress​er?​
idk?


35. If you could​ chang​e one thing​ about​ numbe​r 7, what would​ it be?
that we were still good friends.


36. Say somet​hing nice about​ numbe​r 1.
He's probably the best friend i've ever had, and i haven't seen him in 5 years.

37. Which​ one of your top 8 frien​ds lives​ the farth​est away from?​
Geoff


38. Which​ one of your top 8 frien​ds do you hang out with the most?​
Becky, Nick, and Andrew

39. Out of your top 8 frien​ds,​ who is the loude​st?​
Jamie


40. The quiet​est?​
hard to say. maybe Kami or Becky sometimes.


41. What is one quali​ty about​ numbe​r 7 that you admir​e?​
she's outgoing and speaks her mind.


42.What kind of car does numbe​r 4 have?​
can't drive

43. What is your fonde​st memor​y of numbe​r 8?
summer. and laying in the snow looking at the stars.

44. Have you trave​led anywh​ere with numbe​r 2?
hah, we've been to Lac Du Flambeau and Phelps.


45. If you gave numbe​r 4 $100 dolla​rs tonig​ht,​ what would​ they spend​ it on?
something random.


46. What is numbe​r 6's best quali​ty?​
there are no words. she's basically everything i wish i could be.



47. Would​ you kiss numbe​r 1?
i don't know. probably not, but you never know.


48. How did you meet numbe​r 7?
at our field trip in 6th grade at Trees for Tomorrow, we found bugs together. lol. no idea how i remember that.

49. If you had to buy numbe​r 5 a gift,​ what would​ you choos​e to give him/​her?​
no idea.

50. Does numbe​r 2 drink​?​
no

51. Descr​ibe numbe​r 8 in two words​:​
caring, reckless

52. How many of your top 8 frien​ds have you actua​lly met? 8

tags: blog, eight, myspace, questions, survey, top 8

i get to go on my night-time walks with my dog and look at the stars earlier.
i get to wrap up in my blanket and not feel weird because the sun is still out.
i get to spend more time just chilling out and not hear "it's a nice day out, why don't you get away from that screen and do something"

tags: daylight saving time, solstice, winter, writer's block

i think i mentioned this in a previous post, but i'll just elaborate: so far in my life, 6 of my friends have moved or transferred to another school. 2 of them i dated. 3 of them were best friends to me. 1 of them moved back. The first friend of mine to move was this girl i was friends with in the 2nd grade era. I forget her name. it began with and L. I remember we would swing on the swingset. She would belt out a song by Cher and we would just spend all reccess swinging and singing. we fought a lot. i didn't really like her, but i was nice to her cuz no one else was. then one day i guess i said the wrong thing about her (which i tend to do a lot), and next thing i know, the whole 2nd grade seemed to hate me. that's all i remember of her. she moved eventually. hard to say when.
another was Sam Holder. she was another person i took pity on. she was short with big glasses. always smiling and obsessed with Pokemon. She also had a temper and was the most stubborn person i have ever met. i admit at times i was embarrassed to be her friend. but i had committed to her friendship and looked out for her as best i could. she moved to Arkansas in 7th grade.
Then there's Blaine. he came in 4th grade and left in 6th, then moved back in 7th. when we were younger, he could make me laugh hysterically by just saying "i like apples." He was always fun to be around. and we got close in 6th grade, when my best friends (Katie and Kami) where in 7th grade and therefore in almost another universe. i remember playing football with him and most of the other guys in my grade. that was when i took up swearing and disregard for the rules. Blaine was always in trouble and was a thrill to be around. we kind of "dated" in 6th grade. you can't really date someone in 6th grade, but we hung out together and apparently to 6th grader that counts as dating. then he moved to Waupaca. i remember i was all upset because i didn't find out until the day he was going to move, and he wasn't even the one to tell me. i just heard it through the grapevine. i made him this stupid last minute card. i hugged him for the first time and then he was gone. then in 7th grade he moved back and was totally changed. he had dyed his hair black and wasn't the kid i used to know. but even though he looked different, he was still the same inside more or less. i remember like right before he moved back i wrote this ridiculous essay for my english class about him. it was soo embarrassing because i spilled my heart out to my whole english class. my teacher made me read it aloud and everything. ok, moving on.
Then either Katie or Kami moved. i'm not sure who left first. i think it was Kami. she transferred to Rhinelander when i was in 7th or 8th grade. Kami had been one of my best friends since i was in 3rd grade. she was in 4th grade and we met through Katie. we were in a play (Camelot) together. that was when i was introduced to The Beatles and drinking Sprite through Twizzlers. Kami and i managed to stay friends after she moved, but it got more difficult as she started making friends and got a new life. we don't talk much anymore. i haven't hung out with her since summer. for a time she was my role model. she introduced me to a lot of the music that i like today, and taught me a lot. memories: the Kalahari at her 11th bday party. my bday party where we went to some event at rhinelander JHS. we put tampons in the boys bathroom with lipstick on them. we ran all over the school, and then hid in the car because we thought we were in trouble with the cops. then we stood on top of this giant rock and sang Beatles songs with Katie. after that we went home and watched Starsky and Hutch. the camping trip last summer with those three 21 yr old guys. TJ, Robert, and Aaron. seeing Superbad with her and Andrew, and throwing up in front of Afvco. Her getting me emergency contraceptives and giving me about 2 dozen condoms along with it.
And then there's Katie. Katie Ferman and i met in 1st grade. I remember going to their liquor store and meeting her. My dad was making ladders for the shelves. He told me to come along because the owner of the store had a daughter my age. I was shy, but i went. From about that time on Katie was my best friend. She skipped 3rd grade and that made it harder for us to be friends in school, but out of school we would go over to each other's houses all the time. her dad made the best bread, and her mom was my 2nd mom. I would sometimes get jealous of Katie because she was so smart. When we were over at her house we would make forts, play with her brittany spaniel Maggie, eat lots of bread, play computer games, or watch movies like the original Pink Panther series. Her dad was always playing classic rock on the radio. One time we went on a boat ride and Katie read to me. I liked going to her house a lot. When we were at my house we would romp around the woods and go on all sorts of adventures. I remember one time she came over, we got really sugar high from eating chocolate and marshmallow quesidillas that we'd warmed in the microwave. we played some insane games of fusbol, turning the players upside down saying they were flashing us and calling out for restraining orders. we made up this crazy story about the whiz tide and whoopee cushions. Katie moved to Ohio in the summer of 8th grade (when she was in 9th grade). by then we'd grown apart. we still talked once in a while, but not very much. she stopped wanting to hang out. she was always too busy with homework. we still keep in touch once in a blue moon. she came and visited last summer ('07). we met up at jessie starke's 3 day cottage party. we talked and talked and just had a blast catching up. i miss her, and it's really too bad that she's so far away.
And now we come to Jordan. my most recent loss. i think i'll make that into it's own entry.

to be continued.....

can't stop thinking
thinking about you
and all the things we used to do
i need you
just want you back
all i can think of
looking up at the stars
the warmth of your arms
i need you
come back to me
all is in a haze
wasting away my days
i just want you here
to ask me if i'm ok.
so i can say "fine"
and shrug it off
i need you
remember the times we spent
flirting without a care
what happened?
something changed somewhere
is it all because i was too hesitant
too afraid to let my emotions loose
maybe
i am alone
i have no one
where do i fit in this world?
i thought i had my place with you
but you're a rug that's been pulled out from under my feet
come back to me
place me back on solid ground
because i'm floating aimlessly
in my misery
come save me

i knew this was coming
i knew this would end
the day you'd tell me you'd just be a friend
i'm not hurt
maybe i am
but it was time to sever the withering stem
once i loved you
but those days are past
we both knew this would never last
you've left me alone once again
i'll miss you, i know i will
but our time is done, and your space i'll fill
always remember
never forget
those nights we shared knowing the other was 'it'
you gone and left
i'm here to stay
but we'll meet again some day
and when we do,
i'll still be here
just want you to know, there's nothing to fear
you'll be my friend
and i'll be yours
there's no way to change our course
we live
we die
we laugh and cry
tomorrow comes with the sun
but for now our days are over and done.

i wish him all the best, i really do
but life is short
through and through
good-bye my lover
good-bye my friend

i'm depressed.
what else is new?


i'm in a nihilistic mood.

how could i let you do this again?
i made it so easy
letting you take advantage
turning me into someone i'm not

my mistakes
just lead to heartaches
leave me alone for now
time is not on our side
its a bitter enemy
taking hold of me

and it won't let go until the end

this is a blog one of my best friends posted on her myspace on June 25:
"i'm tired of watching friendships fall apart over stupid stuff. Who cares if you have newer cooler friends? What about the old ones? The old friends who'd catch you no matter what. The old friends who loved you, regardless of what you wore, drank, or said. The foundation of your high school years.

Oh well, right? you've moved on and found alcohol and drinking and stuff much more cooler than us. What's wrong, are we not WORTHY of hanging out with anymore? is that it? that's fine. Go experiment with drugs and drinking. Just don't come crawling back to us when you're fucked.

I'm honestly hurt. I feel like shit. I mean, yeah, I haven't been hurt as directly as some people, but I'm still hurt.

I guess we old friends don't matter much, anymore, huh?"

this is my response that i'm too chicken-shit to send to her:
ok, so i've made some other friends. big deal. it doesn't mean i don't love you guys any less. my new friends aren't "cooler". Why must life be such a popularity contest? People are people. I'm sorry that i've been trying new things, but you only get one life, you might as well try and make the most of it. I don't find drinking cooler than you. It's just something new to try. I'm sorry i get sick of doing the same things. I need change. I thrive on it. And wtf? How can you even say things like "are we not worthy?". Do you honestly think that? That i'm too good for you now? I'm the one not worthy. I'm not worthy of having people that care about me. I'm so selfish sometimes that i don't realize how my actions are affecting people. It's yet another problem i need to fix. I"m also not worthy of pretty much everything i have. I am the equivalent of shit. I'm sorry that i've hurt you guys. I never meant to. I was careful about it, you know. I refused to drink even when he was practically shoving it down my throat. Because you were there. but i guess all those good intentions have come to nothing. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Maybe it's true. I care about you, but i feel like there's nothing i can do for you anymore. You've got it all, hun. You may not see it, but you do. And maybe you don't need me in your life. But i still need you. I need to get my feet planted my firm ground, because i've been living on a cloud, and i'm just starting to come down as all the silver lining fades away. And if i don't have someone to catch me when i fall, i'll never stop falling. But maybe that's what you want. For now, i'm not ready to jump off my cloud, but i can only hope that when i'm ready you'll be there.

Today i woke up on a mattress on the floor in a cabin at 5 AM b/c the sun was shining in my eyes. Then i got This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen out and read that until everyone else woke up around 9. Then i went down to the other cabin and ate a darn good breakfast of scrambled eggs, ham, and a frozen waffle. Then i packed up my stuff, got in the car, and rode home. I unpacked, did some chores, finished my book, and went on the computer. Then i picked up my friend Becky and picked up a kayak from a town an hour away. We hung out there. I ate too much junk, as usual. Then i got home around 9. Went on the computer again, did more chores, talked to my grandma in PA, and ended up here.

tags: writer's block